


Introducing America

by neat12feet



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: All the nations will be featured, M/M, Multi, Tags will update as more chapters are posted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:36:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29297496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neat12feet/pseuds/neat12feet
Summary: Ever wonder how America introduces himself to his new Bosses. Well introducing America to a new president is flashy, trashy, loud, and- ok technically it's supposed to done with a letter, but somehow said letter always gets 'lost' on the first day of the new term and found on day two. Nevertheless here's a compilation of The Letter, The Introduction, and The Little Book of Presidential Secrets.
Relationships: America/Canada/England/France (Hetalia), America/England (Hetalia)
Kudos: 8





	1. The Presidential Letter (20 Things You Need To Know)

Dear You Poor Unfortunate Soul,  
Congratulations you won the presidency! Welcome to hell! If you're getting this letter right after your inauguration, you're one lucky bastard (pardon my French). On the other hand, if that's not the case, I pity you. But hey, we've all been there so cheer up! Look, I hate to do this but I gotta give it to you straight. Yes there are Nation Personifications, or NPs for short, and no not all of them are like good ole' America. Some are worse... Anyway I know you're thinking 'How do I deal with this? America, and I mean both the country and the NP, are absolutely crazy!' No worries, us previous presidents gotcha covered. In fact, that Little Book of Presidential Secrets in the White House Library has a whole section on this with advice given by each of the previous presidents and vice presidents. Oh! On that note, if you haven't done so already, make sure your family and vice-president are aware of all this. Trust me, it'll make life easier. Moving on to more pressing matters there are some essential facts you need to know for managing the United States of America, the NP not the country (the latter is a cakewalk compared to the former):

1) America is like a very high maintenance friend. You feed him, you make sure he is clothed, and you entertain him when he is bored because if you don't, he'll runaway and refuse to come back unless you give him McDonalds and promise to buy a pet (ever wonder why so many presidents have pets?).

2) To entertain him, watch a horror or action movie with him. If you decide to watch a horror movie, expect for him to sleep in a bed that is not his own. Speaking from experience, you should offer him yours, it's better than him trying to hop into bed with a Member of Congress. He's a snuggler, but he's so cute when he's asleep I promise you won't care.

3) While he does like to talk about his heroic deeds, it's best not to mention the ANY wars. It gets him all depressed and if you mention the Cold War he will begin to stalk you out of fear you are 'commie sleeper agent.' Sending him to a psychiatrist and putting him on some antipsychotics will help, but you should really call the NPs of Denmark and Prussia. They'll all get so drunk and he'll forget what happened. Though you'll probably have to bail them out of jail at 3am.

4) America, while he acts like a bubbly, horny, teenager, is very dangerous. He has a tendency to forget his own super strength. Not to mention he is deadly with a pistol or whip. If he or another NP break something, don't panic, there's a fund for that.

5) America is also very intelligent, though he doesn't act it. Don't be surprised if you get a call from NASA or the Pentagon telling you Alfred's broken in and insists on working there. Let that run its course, he'll probably get months worth of work done and be offered a chance to go to space in a rocket. Do NOT let him, tell him that if he wants to go to space he should have Tony take him instead.

6) America lives with a whale, a unicorn, and an alien named Tony. I'm not shitting you here. There is a section in the Little Book of Presidential Secrets for Mythical Creatures, Magic, and Aliens.

7) America, Tony, and who ever else America manages to find will inevitably wreck havoc in the White House and around the world. This has happened many times and it always seems to work itself out, but if it gets too out of hand threaten to pass a legislation making McDonalds sell veggie burgers instead of hamburgers. He will immediately apologize profusely, kowtow, and beg for mercy. Tell him you forgive him, but he must be a 'professional nation' for the next month to make up for it.

8) Never tell him he is a 'good kid' 'good boy' 'bad kid' or 'bad boy' in fact never call him 'boy' or 'kid.' He will either get very angry or very horny. We suspect this has to do with his weird relationship with England (the NP).

9) America is influenced by the state of our nation, and apparently our nation is very very very horny. America does sleep with White House staff, strangers, and other NPs, most notably France, Canada, and England. They are known as the FACE family and technically they are brothers, but don't be fooled by their familial bonds! They are the epitome of the Fucked Up Family tab on PornHub. Seriously though, they are shameless and loud. Oh so loud! These halls echo dammit!

10) In addition to (9), while America will not openly pursue you, he may subtly suggest a threesome between you and your partner. He has no interest in being a mistress though, so don't even try. France, on the other hand, has hands that do more than wander. It's best if you social distance from him.

11) Also in addition to (9), America enjoys talking about his sex life. Just let him and don't try to sue him for sexual harassment. You will not win. If you think you have connections, imagine how many a guy hundreds of years old has.

12) Again in addition to (9), there are betting pools about America's relationships. It's a fun game and helps make your time in the White House tolerable. Betting on Russia is a high risk high reward choice and betting on China isn't wise. You'd be better off playing bets on either Japan or random staff members. Your choice though.

13) The White House is a revolving door of NPs. Japan comes over to play video games. Prussia and Denmark come over to terrorize Congress and get kicked out of bars. China comes to scream about the debt crisis. South Korea comes to binge Asian dramas. Hungary comes over to spy on America's sex life. The FACE Family comes over to be a part of said sex life and to do whatever else they do (ie have tea parties with wine and pancakes). Russia comes over to gift body parts in jars.

14) When it is America's turn to host the World Conference, whatever you do, do NOT go in there! There is more on this in the Little Book of Presidential Secrets.

15) It is a general belief among presidents that America has children or at least a child. That being said, he has never confirmed this theory and it's best not to ask.

16) America hates paperwork. Don't get me wrong, he will do it, but he will not like it. If he starts refusing to sign off on documents, bring him a donut and a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino from Starbucks. He will devour it and then in a caffeinated sugar high, begin working like a madman.

17) Every so often America will try to kidnap Justin Bieber and force Canada to take him back. To avoid a diplomatic incident, subtly point Mr. Bieber in the direction of France, the country not the NP (he doesn't want him either), and ship him off there.

18) America may devolve back into his cowboy self. If that happens, have him take a vacation to Texas or call over England so they can role play and get the kink out. Similarly, should England come over dressed as a pirate and threaten to 'cut your tongue out and feed it to the fishies,' direct him towards America where they will, again, role play the kink out. In both cases there will be some damage taken by the White House or to the nearby staff. Again, there is a fund for that.

19) America likes to act so don't be shocked if you see him in a motion picture film or at an A-List party. A few years ago he did some Reality TV work and suffice to say, he was a hit.

20) America, like the country, is rich. He is worth billions, of course no one is aware of this fact but it's still true nonetheless. He likes buying expensive Christmas gifts and throwing lavish parties in DC. You've probably attended them before, though he doesn't advertise his name as the host. He also donates money and time to shelters and relief fundraisers.

Well for now that's all you need to know about America. There may be absolute chaos during your first 100 days as president, but you'll get used to it. And though America may seem foolish, value his input because he has been around for far longer than we have. Oh and make sure you check out that Little Book of Presidential Secrets (A/N: That's coming up).  
I wish you the best,  
Your Predecessor


	2. Introduction to The New President #1

President Derek J. Smith placed one hand down and raised the other as he pledged “I will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States,” and so forth. 

When he finished, his supporters went wild as he beamed with pride. He honestly couldn’t believe it. He was now the Xth president of the United States of America. The Leader of the Free World. There was no one more powerful or revered in this country than he. 

He then went to shake the hands of the previous president, a man by the name of Markus Carver. Carver, who for some odd reason seemed quite happy, clapped him on the side and whispered “good luck”, before pulling away with a knowing smile. He wondered what that was about?

After another hour of grandstanding and speeches the newly inaugurated president made his way to the oval office with his now subordinates, the secret service.

He turned to one of the suited men next to him and bragged “Did you see the HUGE numbers out there?”

“Yes sir I did.” Sir? He wasn’t sure how he felt about being addressed as ‘sir.’ It just didn’t seem enough.

“I looked out and saw millions of people out there. They were all cheering for me. Must be happy to have that loser out of the Whitehouse”

“Of course sir.” Smith tsked, he wasn’t just some sir, he was president. How disrespectful.

“Please, suit-man, call me by my full title. President. Derek J. Smith. Commander in Chief.”

“Yes Commander in Chief President Derek J. Smith.” That felt much better.

When they finally reached the Oval Office Smith pulled on the doors, but they didn’t budge. “Now do these doors lock or what?”

“You have the keys, Commander in Chief President Derek J. Smith” Some of the secret service member’s lips twitched in a smile.

“Suit-man, do not play with me. Where are the keys?”

Suit-man sighed “Commander in Chief President Derek J. Smith, and they are in your pocket.”

Smith reached in his pocket, and sure enough there were the keys. “I knew that suit-man I was just testing you.” 

After fumbling with the lock a bit, the new President was able to open the doors. He took a deep breath in and then exhaled as he surveyed his new office. He walked up to the desk and swiped his fingers along the glassy wood, no smudges, no cracks. Perfect! This would do nicely. Very nicely indeed. Of course it wasn’t as big as his office in the tower, but it was just as well, this one held more prestige. 

As he sat down at his new desk, Smith decided the place could use new carpeting and couches. He spun around in the chair, watching as the secret service members lined the wall. Peaceful, it stayed that way till a few minutes later when an advisor burst in. She had clearly been running, her hair was frizzy and her outfit looked crooked. As soon as she entered the room she slammed the doors behind her and began to push furniture around to barricade the door.

“What the actual fuck are you doing here? Actually, What the actual fuck are you EVEN DOING?”

The woman spoke in a hurry, “Mr. President! You have to understand I tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Wha-” Smith tried to speak but he couldn’t get a word in.

“Then I tried to get the police to stop him, but they said they didn’t believe me. So I came straight to you.”

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”

“I had to warn you. You must understand. It’s madness!!!!” 

At that very moment a shirtless man with impressive abs wearing a very tight pair of sparkly red, white, and blue, crotchless cowboy pants, a sequin thong, and glittery shoes burst through one of the three windows on a black horse. 

Smith’s eyes just about popped out of his head as he gave a manly shriek. The advisor straight up jumped through another window to get away from the freak show, and you know that little red button that Presidents only push during emergencies, well he pushed that button. 

The strange man dismounted from his horse, only to pull out a large speaker. The man, Smith now dubbed Mr Sparkles From Hell, then seemed to fish around in his pocket for something only to turn up empty. Mr Sparkles From Hell turned to the agents lining the walls, who were doing absolutely FUCKING NOTHING to stop this insanity. Some were even snickering. 

“Hey, do any of y’all have a phone I can borrow?”

One of the agents replied “Sure thing Al,” and tossed his phone at Mr Sparkles From Hell.

“WHY AREN’T YOU DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS!!!”

“Sorry Commander in Chief President Derek J. Smith, this is just how life goes sometimes.”

“WHAT THE ACTUAL-” Smith’s outburst was halted by the sound of blaring music.

Got my hands up, they're playin' my song  
And now I'm gonna be okay  
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!

“Wait a second… That song was for President Carver. Man, I love that dude! I don’t like you enough for that song.” Mr Sparkles From Hell looked down at his phone and clicked something.The song switched.

You don't know you're beautiful  
If only you saw what I can see  
You'd understand why I want you so desperately  
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe  
You don't know  
Oh, oh  
You don't know you're beautiful

The music cut off again and the stranger gave an apologetic smile saying “Oops, sorry man. That’s not it either. Though I did sing that one to your wife a couple minutes ago.”

Smith screeched “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY WIFE?’

“Nothing you didn’t do with that pornstar.” Was this Stranger serious? How dare he talk to him like this? This was unbelievable! He was the goddamn President of the United Fucking States! 

He glared at the secret service members. “ARE YOU GOING TO LET HIM SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT.”

The secret service members glanced away in unison. A few even let a chuckle slip out. Mr Sparkles From Hell went back to his phone, scrolling away.

“THAT’S IT YOU’RE ALL FIRED UNLESS YOU GET RID OF THIS MAN RIGHT NOW. EVEN THEN I’M STILL GONNA SUE YOUR ASSES SO HARD!!!”

“DUDE calm down. This isn't a big deal. Your wife can even keep my hat. Oh! And Look! I found your song.” He was going to be killed wasn’t he? Killed by a man in patriotic glitter pants.

You're not special, it's not cute  
Only one strike, then you get the boot  
There was potential in you

Mr Sparkles From Hell hopped up on the table and started dancing suggestively, swaying his hips, biting his lip, and running his hands down his body.

You should get ‘Fuck Boy’ tattoed

“My name’s Afred F. Jones by the way, but you can call me America.” What the actual fuck is wrong with this guy? That doesn’t even make any sense. This man was a nut job. He hoped to god that someone had gotten help by now. Not to mention this song was absolutely disgusting. (A/N: This song is actually AMAZING. I love the singer).

I don’t give a fuck  
I have more fun on my ones  
Hit and Run   
Eat my pussy like it’s lunch.

The Stranger, no America as he liked to be called, gestured to a Secret Service member, no not just any Secret Service member, it was Suit-man. Suit-man started walking over.

“Suit-man thank god! Please get this man off my desk and AWAY FROM ME”

“No can do SIR and by the way, my name is Edgar” Dear God, Edgar was so fired when he got out of this. Edgar hopped up on the desk and began to dance with this America-person..

Tell me why I need you over the next  
The only thing you seem to give is sex  
You look dumb no that I’ve come to my senses  
You love is not impressive   
Tongue kissing in my king sized bed

At that America and Edgar started french kissing, still on top of the desk and moving to the music. Smith only had one thought. ‘Am I Gay?’

You can give me some good bye head

Maybe? The kiss deepened. Hair was pulled, and Edgar’s clothes were quickly ripped clean off. 

You look dumb now that I’ve come to my senses  
Your love is not impressive

‘Was it just him or was it getting hot in here’ was his last thought before the last window was broken as a hungarian woman brandishing a box of tissues and a camera burst into the room followed by a small japanese man who bowed politely to the President and each secret service member individually. 

“I smell YAOI!!!” screamed the hungarian so loud Smith had to cover his ears.

“Gomen”

The two men on the table stopped with their PDA as the horse, spooked from the glass shards, kicked the speaker to where it flew across the room and embedded itself in the wall. 

“Oh hey Kiku, Elizabeta, how y'all been?”

“Better now that we’ve seen you in that-”

Smith, who had regained his senses after that sensual performance came to an end, interrupted “WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING! NO ONE HAS EXPLAINED ANYTHING!!!”

The hungarian, Elizabeta, and the japanese man, Kiku, looked shocked. 

“Alfred please tell me you told him about us before you started all this…” She gestured to the horse, the speakers, the discarded clothes on the floor, and his outfit.

“Maybe?”

“Maybe? MAYBE? MAYBE I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS MAN IS!!! ALL HE DOES IS RIDE A HORSE THROUGH MY WINDOW. WHICH IS GOVERNMENT PROPERTY BY THE WAY, AND CLAIM TO BE AMERICA!!! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! BETTER THAN ALL THREE OF MY WEDDINGS COMBINED!!! AND YOU’VE RUINED IT!”

“Oh sorry dude I thought someone had told you already…”

“Told me what?” Smith deadpanned.

“Told you that I, Alfred Freedom Jones, am the anthropomorphic personification of the United States of America.”

“The anthropomopho-what?” He gave a blank look.

“Let me break it down for you. I am the living embodiment of America. I am your country. There are other countries too.”

“No that’s not possible.”

“But it is. For example, this” America gestured to Elizabeta “is Hungary, and this” he gestured to the Kiku “is Japan.”

“I don’t believe you” He looked to the Secret Service Members trying to find someone else who thought this was insane, but alas they all seemed perfectly at home in this weird, strange, and disturbing situation.

“Well you should dude, cause you’re my boss, and I kind of sorta gotta listen to you-”

“Then I demand to surrender to the proper authorities right now, and get your little friends to go with you.”

“Yeah Sure dude whatever.” And as if on cue, a slew of men in S.W.A.T suits and military attire burst into the room, breaking down the door and pushing the furniture back. He was finally saved.

One man pushed to the front of the group, seemingly the leader. “Mr President sir we haven’t had the opportunity to be introduced yet. I’m Commander Zander Tracks, head of security here at the Whitehouse. You pushed the red button, but you seem fine. What happened? Do you need an ambulance? Are you Ok?”

“No I AM NOT OK! This man burst in through the window, on that horse, and started doing INDECENT things with that man on my desk! Then these people,” he pointed at Japan and Hungary who waved at the newly arrived guards “crashed through the other window screaming about yaoi. Whatever that is… And last but certainly not least THEY CALL THEMSELVES NATIONS!” Surprisingly Commander Tracks did not seem shocked whatsoever. 

“Yeah I’ve got something to add to that,” America stated “Boss here told me to surrender. So yeah… I surrender. Oh and Hungary and Japan surrender too” The three of them raised their hands in the air, though admittedly it was more of a ‘raise the roof’ gesture than anything.

“Mr President sir.” Smith almost told Tracks to call him by his full name, but they were here to save him from this insanity, so he decided that would be unwise. “It’s just America, why would you want him to surrender to us? He dance serenaded you and almost got to third base on your desk, so what? One time he, England and France went binge-drinking and attempted to sing Amy Winehouse songs for the queen, the president, and the prime minister, but it devolved into an all out orgy in the throne room. Everyone present was traumatized for weeks.”

“It’s true,” Hungary spoke up, “We gathered detailed reports about the event and created a very popular doujinshi called ‘Diplomatic Debauchery’” Japan's nose started to bleed just thinking about it. Hungary handed him a tissue.

At some point Smith had gotten up from his chair and begun pacing in circles around the room. He no longer feared for his life but couldn’t believe what he was hearing.Well maybe he could believe in anthropo-something nations, but he could not believe that his nation was such a whore. He had no dignity, wore trashy clothes, and slept around there was no way he was America. Then he thought about how America had surrendered after he was ordered to do so.

“If you’re really a nation then I’m your boss and I order you to-”

“Get on my knees for you or kiss your ass. We know… It happens everytime a country’s people elect some insecure asshole who can’t get any.” How did he know what he was going to say?

“Hai. Though it doesn’t happen to me as much since I sense the mood and run.”

“That’s terrible. Mr President sir, you are a terrible person.” Someone from the mob of security chimed in.

“Let’s go, men. I don’t want to look at him anymore. Edgar once you find a new shirt, me, the boys, and the ladies here are gonna take you out for a drink. Not too often you get to make out with your own country.” There were cheers throughout the crowd as they all ran off to the nearest bar. “Oh and someone will be by to deal with this mess at some point so don’t worry about that.”

Smith called out to the guards and Secret Service, “Wait no I wasn’t going to say that-”

“Look dude” America began with a tired smile “I may be older and wiser than you, but I cannot disobey your orders. That being said my friends,” he motioned towards his fellow nations. “Do not have to take your orders and can and will make your life a living hell, if you make mine one.”

Smith shivered as he fell to the floor and watched the three nations and the rest of his men walk away. ‘I think I might be gay’ was the last though Commander in Chief President Derek J. Smith had before he blacked out.


End file.
